Month 3: The Words We Can’t Take Back

Several days in, and I have no idea what I'm doing. This month's three goals sound deceptively simple:

1. Reducing gossip

2. Reducing idle complaining

3. Increasing kind words

   
   

Unlike previous months with their distinct and often tangible targets, this month feels impossibly slippery. Gossip and idle complaining are insidious precisely because they're so difficult to catch in the moment. Unless an episode of gossip is particularly devastating or I'm hypervigilant about my complaints, I'm likely to forget I even said something unkind.

I don't think of myself as a gossip or chronic complainer, but here's an uncomfortable truth: Happy, well-meaning, deeply loving people don't spout gossip and complaints. If I do, something’s going on under the hood that I’d rather not admit.

The Venting Conundrum

Some people swear by "venting" as a healthy emotional release. Others disagree entirely. Without diving deep into research or definitional semantics, I can say with certainty: Most of the time when I "vent," I don’t feel especially better afterward. Even if venting isn't inherently bad, clearly not all venting is good. Rather than ditching the whole idea over some gray areas, I'll first try to eliminate the unnecessary complaining. Once that is as accomplished as it can get, then I can evaluate which situations might genuinely benefit from verbal processing.

The Too-Radical Solution

With no clear roadmap for cleaning up my speech, I did the next most reasonable thing: I fled the country to study Spanish. My bullet-proof logic: I can't gossip if I can't say anything at all.

I also brought my mother along on this language immersion adventure (the captain goes down with the ship, after all).

Thus far, the dramatic change in environment is helpful. I've started reading books on reducing gossip, and even when I can speak English with a few people, new acquaintances give me a fresh start. I have the opportunity to guide my thoughts and words as they're forming, hopefully building better habits that I can carry home to the people I know well.