The Power of Sharing Ambitions

Recently, Stephen Wisser and I were on the phone.

With good reason, Stephen is one of the few friends I trust to see my half-baked plans. Upon hearing my far-reaching ideas, he responds with fresh and unique observations. He joins my excitement, basking in the glory of the idea’s glittering twists, recommending books and networking contacts, and pairing concerns to solutions. With intentionality, he demonstrates a desire to see the final product and progress along the way. Furthermore, Stephen has accomplished some wonderful and meaningful endeavors of his own. He is the sort of person I want to keep up with. Someone I am motivated to prove myself to. In essence, he is a happy rival.

Stephen is one of several people who play an active role in the accomplishment of my ambitions. Personally, I find that the more brilliant and beloved the idea, the more desperately I want to share it. Keeping a dream quiet is about as comfortable as swallowing a balloon, but sharing dreams is risky. When we share our inner ambitions, we hazard the possibility of being rejected, dismissed, or laughed at. These aspirations are windows into our souls: who we are, what we long for, and what we are willing to sacrifice. The tricky part is, everyone who has aspirations has unique ones. It’s deceptively plain, but there is no single opinion about what constitutes a worthy cause, and there will always be dissent about how much sacrifice is appropriate.

So, should we share these deeply personal hopes and plans?

The Dream Police Force

The first danger in sharing a dream is the scornful critic. People have different reasons for harsh criticism; some want to protect the dreamer. Some want to inhibit others’ success to feel better about their own lack of ambition. Some genuinely want to help, but speak so negatively that they only succeed in discouraging others.

In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown states that courage necessitates vulnerability [1]. Without the uncertainty and emotional risk inherent to vulnerable actions, courage and bravery simply do not exist. She further posits that vulnerability is not indiscriminate or reckless; weakness and exposure are not synonymous with vulnerability, so risking everything without due consideration (or sharing everything in front of any audience) is neither wise nor vulnerable.

Often, people belonging to the dream police force can be identified before you share anything at all. Their anxiety, negativity, or complete grumpiness can be seen in their purchase reviews, coworker gossip, and the measure of their own risk or daring. There is simply no benefit to sharing with these people. Don’t do it.

It has happened, however, that I have shared an idea and been shocked to discover an undercover dream cop. This is why it is important to build trust slowly and be cautious of oversharing. Don’t give someone the opportunity to scoff at your driving purpose in life before giving them the opportunity to laugh at something less important. This not only protects you, but also draws healthier and more trustworthy people into your life.

Emotionally healthy individuals have clear boundaries and respect the boundaries of others [7, p.48]. They can recognize unhealthy people and will impose limits on noxious relationships. Unhealthy oversharing habits are repulsive to well-balanced individuals, so indiscriminate sharing loads the dice; the pool of healthy people will dwindle while more critics arrive with sharpened knives.

Dream Stagnation

A TED Talk popularized the idea that sharing dreams invokes a sense of early gratification which results in goal stagnation [4]. This was based on a 2009 study where students with goals were compared on the basis of privacy [3]. In the study, students who shared their goals experienced less progress towards the accomplishment than the students who did not share their ambitions. The researchers concluded that telling someone about the goal made the goal’s achievement seem closer and more easily attainable, which de-incentivized the students and resulted in lower effort and commitment.

While as of 2020 this study is the only of its kind which has demonstrated negative results for the sharing of goals, it does seem to indicate a pattern which can be applied to more anecdotal experiences.

People pleasers and those who want to keep the conversation as short as possible will happily agree that an idea is lovely. But that is all. They have no expectation of follow through. These conversations may feel nice, but they don’t really help. It’s almost like talking to someone who isn’t listening; there is no real engagement, and therefore no added incentive, or practical benefit. If you are unsure of your commitment to a goal, talking to these glassy-eyed listeners will not motivate you to move forward. These people aren’t venomous like the critics, but they are passive with your dreams and can lull you into a sense of progress that never actually existed.

Dream Encouragement

If sharing our hopes can result in devastating criticism or delusions of headway, it seems better to hide dreams; better to work secretly, quietly, and when the slow burn has finally built into a roaring blaze, to pull back the curtain and reveal a polished masterpiece.

The problem is, both the individual and the dream suffer under this method. We depend on human connection as a primary source of comfort, inspiration, encouragement, mentoring, discipline, and so much more [2]. Dreams will inevitably lose their initial spark, and the loss of this excitement may happen exponentially faster as more time, energy, and finances are sacrificed for the goal. Declaring ourselves as islands and depending on our individual willpower is the kiss of death for many worthy pursuits. Willpower has the ability to replenish itself, and may do so very quickly, but it is nonetheless finite [5].

The solution to this dilemma is to selectively share your dreams with people who have proven themselves worthy. Find people who cause your dreams to go farther. This means finding people who:

1. Are Trustworthy,

2. Kind,

3. Understand the significance of a dream, and

4. Have dreams of their own.

   
   

Individuals who meet these criteria are most likely to be held in high esteem. It should not be a surprise to learn that our perception of another’s status impacts the extent of positive benefit in sharing a goal [4]. Klein et. al conducted a study which measured goal commitment. Separate groups shared goals with either an individual of perceived higher status, of similar status, or were instructed not to share their goals at all. The test group that shared with an individual of perceived higher status increased in goal commitment, and saw more progress than either of the other groups. The difference in achievement between the other two groups was essentially negligible.

In this test, status was not projected through character, but appearance and credentialing (wearing a suit and being introduced as a doctoral student versus wearing casual clothes and being introduced as a community college student). It did demonstrate, however, that even a stranger can have a positive impact on achievement so long as we desire to impress them. The study also revealed that sharing is not universally helpful; if the purpose in sharing an ambition is to create social pressure through praise or embarrassment, then you have to actually be impacted by that individual’s approval or disappointment. This is why Stephen is a good match for me; I don’t want him to think of me as someone who is inconsistent, doesn’t put in effort, or never finishes what is started.

 

Conclusion

Trust is the bedrock of any beneficial dream-sharing relationship, and can be defined as a willingness to be vulnerable with someone while confidently expecting that this other person will respect the risk [1]. There are certainly a lot of unsafe and untrustworthy people in the world – even safe people are flawed. But to those who strive for greatness in big or little ways, dreams need to be shared so that they do not get lost in mills of fear, failure, and apathy.

Choose your people intentionally, over time, and do not become biased by affability. When criticism does come, don’t cling to thoughts of embarrassment or despair; breathe and ask yourself if the thought is true, helpful, or the complete story [6]. Move forward. If your idea was beautiful enough to excite you before sharing, then it contains value no matter how much it alters before being realized.

References:

[1] Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Penguin Random House LLC.

[2] Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (2016). Safe people: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren’t. Zondervan.

[3] Gollwitzer, P. M., Sheeran, P., Michalski, V., & Seifert, A. E. (2009). When intentions go public: Does social reality widen the intention behavior gap? Psychological Science, 20, 612–618. http://dx.doi.org/10*.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02336.x

[4] Klein, H. J., Lount, R. B., Park, H. M., & Linford, B. J. (2020). When goals are known: The effects of audience relative status on goal commitment and performance. Journal of Applied Psychology, 105(4), 372–389. https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000441

[5] Newport, C. (2016). Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World. New York: Grand Central Publishing.

[6] Smith, E. (2022). A still and quiet mind: Twelve strategies for changing unwanted thoughts. P&R Publishing.

[7] Yerkovich, M., & Yerkovich, K. (2008). How we love: Discover your love style, enhance your marriage. WaterBrook Press.