Different Perspective, Different

When you were small, did something utterly preposterous ever terrify you?

For me, it was E.T.

Every night I tucked my feet under my sheets lest he come out from under the bed and grab my toes. Since I was only safe under the covers, I would wait until daylight to go to the bathroom. Sometimes that meant waiting in emergent pain for hours. At some point science class informed me of astronomer Tycho Brahe’s refusal to go to the bathroom which lead to a ruptured bladder and death. I fearfully tucked a chamberpot under my sheets.

Looking back on it, there was never any chance that E.T. lived under my bed and intended me harm. Mostly because, get this, E.T. is completely fictional. Yet despite a total lack of danger, the fear I experienced was entirely genuine. Most of us like to believe that truth holds ultimate power in our reasoning and emotional responses. However, we are all subject to interpretation of reality and that, not reality itself, is the material with which we really work.

Even if it were possible to live without making extrapolations or interpretations from raw information, I’m not sure you’d want to. These actions come with a measure of unease because sometimes they lead to disagreements, prejudices, and the belief that an alien lives under the bed. Yet the ability to form usable data from incomplete understanding is a key part of what makes the human brain so powerful, adaptable, and self-teaching.

Not only is the brain powerful, but it strives for procedural efficiency while selecting the best or most likely conclusion from the myriad of candidates. Automatically accepting an initial interpretation of events allows for the hasty commencement of crafting solutions and reactions. Society would be an awkward and stuttering creature if every perception from every human being induced a barrage of analyses that each possessed equal weight and consideration; everyone would be overstimulated and overwhelmed all the time.

Yet despite the need for hasty internal renderings of reality, it occurred to me that the immutability of my childhood perspective prolonged my nighttime misery. I would have slept more soundly had I simply accepted that E.T. did not materialize under my bed when the room grew dark. It is easy to laugh at my younger self and tease her for a lack of perspective, but it is quite plain that my humanity has not diminished with age. I am left to consider what unrealistic or incomplete perspectives I still blindly maintain, and how much negativity results from them.

Moving beyond my self-favoring perspective dramatically changes my emotional responses to the world and other people. Bigger and more balanced perspectives have the power to dissipate fears, increase joys, and quell angers without the effort of stifling or venting emotions. In the same way that proper-perspective-Leenie does not need to be afraid of E.T., she also has the opportunity to feel more gratitude, extend greater compassion, and avoid a good deal of irritation.

The Example of Irritability

Consider the example of irritability and anger. Irritability is not the only undesirable emotion out there, but it does lead to one of my nastiest emotional reactions; impatience. If there’s any behavior that consistently prevents me from loving others and living in accordance with my accepted philosophy, it’s impatience.

When I feel as though my benignity and generosity are being exploited, I struggle to see beyond my own hurt and offense. The strange thing is, offense can be chosen. I wouldn’t have believed such a thing before I read the books “Unoffendable” and “Never Get Angry Again”, but the lens through which one sees an event is pivotal in eliciting differing reactions. (There is a fair debate over the demonization of anger and whether imperfect humans can truly live out `righteous anger'. I certainly waffle on this, but of all the time I spend mad or irritable, most of it is of the selfish breed.)

Under specific conditions, grace, patience, and love are freely extended to those whose behavior is deeply undeserving. When someone else’s pain is blatant and public, forgiveness and placidity are offered without expectation of recompense. This can be true even when offensive, obnoxious, and selfish behaviors seem extremely personal. But most of the time pain isn’t readily apparent. When a family member dies, the house burns down, or the divorce is finalized, there is no evading the perceived pain. If we were made aware of the offender’s suffering, their unkindness could be seen differently.

This is not to be confused with shifted blame; rather, it removes the offended from the equation altogether. People say and do offensive things. Sometimes people are rude, mean, and selfish. Changing perspective and making room for grace is not accepting undue culpability, nor is it the delusional pursuit of viewing a flawed human being as incapable of committing wrong.

In his book “The Advice Trap”, Michael Stanier implores advice givers to “stay curious for just a little longer”. Attempting to fix an issue before comprehending the full picture is a strong temptation (and one to which most of us succumb). It is a shame, because the heart of an issue, along with the opportunity to provide genuinely beneficial assistance, is often entirely lost. Staying curious for just a little longer is no less essential in the realm of irritation and offense. I’m not perfect, but it is easier to be kind and forgiving when I realize that the offender’s behavior is not necessarily a reflection of their respect for me. Sometimes staying curious for just a little longer reveals their insecurities, breakups, deaths, anxieties, illnesses, sleep depravation, and more. Instead of inspiring anger and impatience, my new perspective can evoke compassion and sensitivity. Real compassion and sensitivity. Not the kind that I have to count to ten and put on my best fake smile for.

The thing is, autopilot is easy. I still stay there often. Becoming aware of perspective and making the effort to broaden it is strenuous and can be tiring. I hope that as I practice, I can get better at staying curious when I am offended. I hope that as I get better, I will find the process to be easier and less tiring. One day, I hope to find that perspective shift and curiosity are instinctive responses to difficult or hurtful interactions.

PS: Sleeping in a hammock has many perks; one being that E.T. has no place to hide.

References:

[1] Clear, J. (2018). Atomic habits an Easy & proven way to build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. New York, NY: Avery, an imprint of the Penguin Random House LLC.

[2] Hansen, B. (2023). Unoffendable how just one change can make all of life better. W Publishing Group, an imprint of Thomas Nelson.

[3] Lieberman, D. (2019). Never get angry again: The foolproof way to stay calm and in control in any conversation or … situation. GRIFFIN.

[4] Stanier, M. B. (2020). Advice trap: Be humble, stay curious & change the way you lead forever. Page Two Books, Inc.